Life. Crazy, Chaotic, Ours!

Monday Musings by a Noticer, Appreciator and a Mover.

Here’s the thing…

 Maybe I am more intentional in my relationships.

Maybe I do have a unique [and quite different] perspective at 45 years old than most ‘moms’ do.

Maybe I do go about my activities differently [and definitely slower].

Maybe I don’t attack my ‘to-do’ lists with a vengeance, eager to cross off things within a 24-hour period, anymore.

Maybe I do sit and rest more than I ‘should’.

Maybe [okay, definitely on this one] I take more pictures than the average girl or everyday life.

Maybe I enjoy the mundane tasks of everyday living, though I occasionally grumble that I’m the only one who loads or empties a dishwasher (Marty doesn't count here).

Maybe I enjoy the simple pleasures and delights that are mind-boggling to some.

Maybe I share my Christian beliefs on social media more than people want to hear.

Maybe I try to carve out a little niche in the world in which I endeavor to share the ways that God has been with me every step of this crazy leukemia/transplant journey.

And, maybe you find yourself wondering if I will ever “get over this” and stop talking about it.

...So, while I can’t predict the future any more than I could have predicted I would be in this current boat, I can tell you that the answer to the last question is ‘no’, and I will likely never stop doing any of the things I have listed above; nor is it very likely that I will stop talking about “Luke” and his effects for at least the next couple of years off and on.  While I don’t care too much for his presence and lingering shadow, I do understand that Luke will always be holding court in a corner of my memory – for better and for worse – and that his presence is part of my story that enables me to testify that God is good…all the time, from the beginning, through the middle, to the end.

Yep, even those days when your body hurts, your heart is breaking, or you throw up your hands in exasperation, God is there and good.  He is just waiting for you to cry out - in joy, anger, exasperation, however you want, as long as you reach out.  He's reaching out to you - are you there grabbing onto his signs or are you blowing him off as 'coincidence'?

He created each of us for good works and good love and that is what we are experiencing every second of every day, although sometimes it’s difficult for us to see.  It’s not up to God to give us good love for living, it’s up to each of us to find it and act on it ourselves as we share it with others.  As I said via facebook when I was undergoing a chemo treatment, it’s no great surprise that ‘love’ and ‘live’ are only different by one simple vowel.  You cannot ‘love’ without ‘living’ and to ‘live’ is to ‘love’.  Both are action words.  It’s good to be a verb.   A noun is only interesting when attached to a verb and it’s even better when we are more intentional about noticing the verbs in our lives.

As you are more intentional in your acknowledgement of ‘love’ and ‘live’, it becomes easier to see the God-ness in the details.  He is ‘so’ in the details…you just need to have open eyes and an open hear to notice the details.

 

So if you’re sick of me recognizing where I am on this healing road from ‘Luke’ and his after-effects;

Or if my ramblings about noticing the details of life and appreciating my relationships annoy you;

If you don’t believe in ‘chemo brain’ or could care less about my now-70-year-old hips (thank you, full body radiation for loss of bone density);

Or if you don’t truly understand that my immune system is compromised so I really can’t do a lot of things, but I'm so grateful for those things I can do, then understand this...

I’m truly sorry-not-sorry because it is a part of a bigger picture in my life…one where I have learned to Trust God, His Timing and See His Message.  I may not always understand what He is doing or saying in my life, but I’m pretty sure He is using me as a messenger to be the feet and hands of Jesus to bring love and laughter into the hearts of those who aren’t sick of what I say.  He wants me to help others also be Noticers of His Hand, Appreciators of His Love and sacrifice, and Movers in the world of actually living.

 Are you a Noticer?  An Appreciator?  A Mover?  I dare you to be one or all of those - the rewards are amazing!

 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.

(I John 4:12-16)

 

Monday Musings : You See; I Spy...

 

YOU SEE…a clock.

I SPY…time that ticks away, sometimes too fast and sometimes too slow; but more importantly, time that slips past us in which we don’t cultivate and grow our relationships with people and life and develop more of what truly matters.

YOU SEE...a pair of sneakers.

I SPY...feet moving toward a new-normal and a path of new discoveries and an opportunity to experience the details of life.

 

YOU SEE…clouds.

I SPY…my Maker, possibility and, oftentimes, rainbows or imaginary dogs or kites or hot air balloons, a palette of colors, and a vast endless possibility of what lies ahead of me.

 

YOU SEE…grass.

I SPY…new emerging from old.  Life emerging from death.  Green pushing through brown.

 

YOU SEE…dandelions and weeds infiltrating your lawn.

I SPY…the first symbols of love thrust into my face from a toddler’s hands and the many wishes I have made throughout my life..some answered; some not…but all reminders to keep on wishing.

 

 

YOU SEE…raindrops that will turn into mud puddles bringing wet socks through shoes and bring out worms to dodge.

I SPY...opportunities to jump over little critters and splash in the puddles while laughing with my kids or a day hunkered inside with a cup of hot tea and a book taking me to far-off lands.

 

You SEE what you want.

YOU SPY the incredible.

It's a matter of perspective and that is something that is uniquely yours. 

What little details are you focused on this week?

Monday Musings / From Palms to Olives to Rules of Life

 

…and he made a triumphant entry into Jerusalem with crowds of people and palms were laid down in his path as the people shouted, “Hosanna to the Son of David!  Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!   Hosanna in the highest!”  [This fulfilled a prophecy in Zechariah, chapter 9, verse 9:  “Rejoice greatly, Daughter Zion!  Shout, Daughter Jerusalem!  See, your king comes to you, righteous and victorious, lowly and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey.”]

Thus, begins what today’s Christians call “Holy Week”.  The entry of Jesus on Palm Sunday.  Five days before he would be persecuted and put to death.  A death that, while agonizing for Jesus and his followers of the day, was necessary and ‘freeing’ for today’s followers.  Because he died, our sins are forgiven at the end of our earthly walk.  

On Tuesday of Holy Week, we know that Jesus appeared with his disciples at the Mount of Olives before a crowd of people.  His disciples questioned when the second coming would happen.  Jesus answered and shared parables with the crowd in an effort for them to understand who would be waiting for the second coming of the Messiah and how they will know.  A review of Chapter 24 of the Book of Matthew shares greater detail of his teachings on this day at the Mount of Olives.  One of Jesus’ statements that stands most clear to me is when he states, “Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me.  At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.” (Matthew 24:9-14).

                Last week a reliable news sources reported that less than 20% of young adults are “skeptical” about the Bible.  It goes on to state that “Millennials, generally described as those born since 1980, are less likely to own, read and respect the Bible” and that those who conducted the survey predict that the trend will continue through the next five years.    The survey’s results are astounding to me.  It goes on to state further that while 88% of Americans have a Bible in their home, only 37% of them read it on a regular basis and the ones who do not read it on a regular basis site “being too busy” as the main reason for not reading the Bible or having a significant life change or event that has created doubt in their faith.

                The last verse in Matthew, the ones that Jesus spoke to the crowd days before he would be put to death … the one that talks about love growing cold?  Can you see that coming?  It certainly causes me to pause and worry.  In a day and age when we wonder why so many children are carrying out acts of violence in schools or why drug usage and overdosing are at an all-time high.  Why is crime rampant and people do not feel connected with their neighbor and community in a way that they would respect and love each other and their property…Why?  Why?  Could it possibly be that the morals and qualities being a decent human being are being caught up in the ‘busy-ness’ of life today?  We want more.  We need to be faster.  We desire to be dominant or first.  Is it a quest for knowledge, truly, or a greediness to be all powerful?  Is it time we just step back a little, shift our perspective, move the lens into focus and concentrate a little more on good, guiding principles?   Like the principles found in the Bible, maybe?  You know, ‘love your neighbor as yourself’, ‘remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy’?  Where are we in common, guiding morals?  Everyone pushes for a new agenda thinking it is best, yet, really, what was wrong with the guiding light and message of the Old Testament.   Look at the ten commandments and tell me that they are not guiding principles for life:

1. You shall have no other gods before me.  Easy enough to understand I would say.  When one begins to worship other objects, we tend to lose sight of what’s really important…be it alcohol, money, a person, whatever…it is too easy to become fixated on that particular item or person that you can’t see past the next drink or smoke or winning.
2. You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them.  Easy enough…hand-in-hand with the first commandment.  You don’t want your kid worshipping video games instead of homework, right?  So why would it be acceptable for us to worship someone other than the Maker?
3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.  A former Pastor I met once explained it to me like this.  Every time someone calls your name, instinct tells you to respond.  You turn your head or say “what”.  Every person does it.  There isn’t a mom alive who doesn’t flinch at the sound of “mom” in a store, craning her neck to see what child has strayed away and praying it isn’t theirs who is lost.  Every time the words, “Good God” or “Oh My God” roll off your tongue, yea, He is there waiting for you to elaborate.  Do you need help?  Are you praising him?  If not, exactly why would you say that?  Does someone just randomly exclaim your name out of anger or frustration or for the simple sake of saying it?  I’m not saying I haven’t been guilty of this one in the past, but it is definitely something I make a conscious effort to keep in check on a daily basis.
4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore, the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.  This is the one that drives me crazy lately.  In a quest to cram it all in and do more, we have decided that there is no more family time on Sundays, no  more time to honor our maker by attending worship services on a Sunday morning as a family.  We now sit on a soccer field or a baseball diamond or do yard work or catch up on office works and then run to the grocery store and cram everything else in except REST and FAMILY TIME.  Not married?  Go to church and then enjoy some time with friends and nature.  We give and give and give and go and go and go.  When do we actually rest and thank God for all he has given us?  My gut tells me that this is a major crack in the downfall of the American family.  There is no pause time, no time to sit together and talk, and certainly no one wants to put down the electronic device.
5. Honor your father and your mother.  I know I am getting old here because this is another one that gets me going.  Newsflash, people:  your job, as a parent, is to do that … parent and guide and discipline.  The whole being a friend thing?  Yea, not til they grow up to be an adult and get it.  Sure it’s easier to give in and not teach manners and faith and let them do what they want, but that doesn’t teach respect or honor. 
6. You shall not murder.  Clear and concise.  Every life is valuable and you have no right to kill anyone over anything.  This one, to me, goes with the golden rule and greatest commandment of “love your neighbor as yourself”.  All of us have annoying qualities.  If you can’t get along with someone, move on and find someone with less annoying qualities.  Chances are you annoy people too!  This commandment goes hand-in-hand with “honor your parents” because if you are taught respect, well, there you have it.
7. You shall not commit adultery.  Simple thought:  if you are unhappy in your current relationship, get out of it before beginning a new one.  You have no idea how many people you are hurting by leading two lives. 
8. You shall not steal.  Extends so much more to things beyond a monetary value, but generally, this is self-explanatory.
9. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.  “If you can’t say something nice”…that’s all that comes to mind here.  Oh, and the realization that while you think the grass is always greener on the other side, you literally have no idea what challenges someone else is facing and, chances are, the shoes they are walking in just aren’t there to aerate their green lawn.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.  Covet means to yearn for or possess something.  Be happy with what you have.  You are living, you are loved, now be content.

 

These ten simple rules are good principles to live out.  What can you proclaim against them?  Simplicity at it’s finest:

• Pray and believe.
• Avoid addictions.  Remember that people matter.
• Rest and relax.  Be at peace.
• Be respectful.
• Love the one you are with.
• Be happy with what you have and be in that moment.
• Love your neighbor as you have been loved and as you want to be loved.
• Don’t take what isn’t given to you.
• Be considerate.
• Be grateful.

Yes, they came from a Bible.  The Book that less Americans believe in.  That Bible that was created as a blueprint for living.  An instruction manual on how to be a human.  God saw that his creation was struggling and he inspired men to record His words and His teachings so that we would be less inclined to sin.  The language in the Bible may, depending on the version it was written in, be a little tricky to understand at first glance, however, there are more “user friendly” versions these days and you would be hard-pressed to not find a devotional online or a newsletter that won’t break it down for you.

As with anything, the key to growing lies in knowledge.  Knowledge on a good life comes from the Bible and the word of God.  Like a sponge that only works when it is wet and soaking up the water or a spill, the human mind and heart can only ‘soak up’ life lessons when you learn and look for them.  Learning and looking come from worship, the Bible, the devotionals and brother/sister hood and getting back to the basics.

As we are moving forward in Holy Week, the best place to begin learning and looking will always be the Bible.  Old Testament, New Testament, a devotional book, a sermon on Sunday morning…this is where the basic plan for a good life can be found and, I believe strongly, where the answers to many of struggles as a nation lie.

Author's Note:  Originally, this post was going to explain the significance and sequence of events leading up to the crucifixtion on Easter Sunday, however, as I read through the readings of the parables at the Mount of Olives, I gleaned another lesson that I deemed worthy of sharing.  I am continually amazed at no matter how many times you look at a passage in the Bible, you find yet another lesson or point to be shared that you weren't quite expecting.

Monday Musings / AML : Post-BMT on the Macro Lens

{wii bowling gansta girl with my 15 year old son...just looking cool!}

Since February is a short month, we’re close to a month away from my new birthday.

March 26.

Yep, that’s right…don’t be jealous.  You really wouldn’t want two birthdays if you had to go about getting a second one the way I did!

Caroline and my cousin think we should celebrate with a big party.  Alas, that won’t be possible just yet since my re-vaccination schedule does not begin until my new birthday.  However, I have promised the kids that the five of us will be having cupcakes or something…most likely with our parents.  Considering that last year this time we weren’t sure where I would or wouldn’t be or how long our future looked together, I think we are due for a bit of a celebration, right?

A look back at where we were then and where we are now in a few areas:

Last February:

• Preparing for consolidation chemotherapy.
• Unsure if my brother’s cells were able to be used for a BMT for me even though he was a perfect match.  Doctors were considering using Andrew, our oldest son, as a half match.  He was better than no match, but what a tremendous amount of pressure (especially emotionally) to put on a 14 year old boy.
• Super compromised immune system.  Had to wear a mask if I ventured outside of my bedroom.
• Visits to the doctor at hospital downtown every 4-5 days; many lasting all day.
• Receiving magnesium, platelets and/or red blood cells on a fairly regular basis.  (Special thanks to everyone who donates.)
• Needing assistance to walk because I was too weak and unsteady to go about it on my own.  In fact, showering was an effort. As in, standing for longer than 5 minutes completely wore me out.  Took me an hour to even muster up the energy to get moving.
• Not having much energy to do much more than enjoy dinner time with my family.
• Unable to eat much more besides Hamburger Helper, potato soup and chicken noodle soup due to chemo killing taste buds in my mouth and thrush.
• Insomnia, but not enough energy to get out of bed and do anything.
• No focus.  No reading.
• Anxiety.  Every single day wondering what my immediate future held.  Not talking about 3-5 years down the road, but whether or not I’d make it a year.
• Clinging desperately on to my faith, knowing that whatever the outcome for my health, God would take care of me and my family.

This February:

• Immune system still compromised, but I only wear a mask if leaving the house because I have ‘normal’ white blood cell counts again!
• Successful, 100% bone marrow transplant that makes me have male chromosomes (the ones belonging to my youngest brother.)
• Visits to the doctor at the hospital downtown every other week.  Scheduled to begin re-immunization process in a month or so.
• Taking an inhibitor drug to continue to [prayerfully] suppress the aggressive leukemia mutation in my body.
• Can walk on my own, though I still am nervous around steps and literally take one step at a time, like a child.  Andrew and I were just discussing this the other day.  I am, however, up to 10 minutes on the elliptical machine, though my doctor will be impressed when I can do more!  And, the doctors okayed me to sign up for my first 5K post-transplant in July!
• Fatigue is much better.  Still need to sit after standing for about 10 minutes or so.  Still have to muster up the gumption to move from task to task and don’t even ask how long it takes to get motivated to get moving from my bed in the am!  However, on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most fatigue and 1 being the least, I was easily at a 9 this time last year; I would put myself at a 3 currently!
• Can eat whatever I want (prepared by a restaurant—not fast food—or in our home), can cook and bake again also.  Still have weird food issues at times, but it is related to medication, not chemo!  And, yea, for being able to taste and enjoy coffee and Dr. Pepper again!
• Focus is getting better; not perfect, but better.  I still have ‘chemo brain’ and forget things very quickly unless I jot it down and the reading thing comes and goes.  I ask the same question many times before I remember the response.  Fatigue is ever-present and I am content most often to just sit and be.  Sometimes that involves journaling or crocheting, sometimes it involves just holding my kids’ hands.
• Insomnia is getting better also, but some of that is because I am exercising on the elliptical more and pushing myself not to nap during the day.  Oh, and Ambien.  Ambien is my friend.
• Anxiety.  Hmm, what to say about this?  I try to keep it in check.  I try to rely on my conversations with God, but anyone who goes through something even remotely similar to what I have experienced will say that anxiety is always present.  I don’t think it truly every leaves.  I also don’t think any of us quite grasp how fragile the theory of “if tomorrow never comes” truly is until it smacks you in the face.  To get a firm hold on anxiety, I do not look up my illness on the internet, I do not watch anything ‘heavy’ and I do not talk about cancer or leukemia often.  I try to live a new normal.
• My faith.  I wouldn’t say I cling ‘desperately’ right now.  I would say I cling faithfully to God and His promises.  I would say that I have a deeper understanding of my relationship with Him and I have shared more of Him with my family and friends as they have needed it.  Clearly, I am much more able to recognize His presence in every single move I make.

[And I won't even go into the hair thing.  It fell out a few times, but it's growing now with some gray sprouts here and there.  It's hair.  Except for my head getting cold, the state of it's growth (or lack thereof) does not consume me.]

{with my 12-year-old 'old soul' who still loves to cuddle.}

It’s odd that in the bone marrow transplant (BMT) pre-consultation meetings and assessments, each doctor stressed how different things would be a year post-transplant and that each milestone would bring a new level of confidence, but also another level of anxiety.  I don’t think I really understood what they meant.  Yet today, nearly a year later, when I look back on everything that has happened physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally to me, I can see the tremendous differences.  Life will never be back to pre-BMT normal, but that isn’t necessarily bad.  Yes, it would be nice to have the ‘is-it-ever-coming-back’ weight lifted off my shoulders.  It would be nice to not associate certain smells, foods, or even television shows and commercials with my illness or hospital stay.  Clearly, I don’t function at the same high pace I was used to running at before December 12, 2012.  But you know what?  As we get closer to the year anniversary, I realize that I am so much better than I was a year ago in every area that I wasn’t well this time last year. 

Today, my husband was off work (highly unusual) and we drove up the road, picked up sandwiches at a nice café and then enjoyed them for lunch together in our living room.  He held my hand because he wanted to; not necessarily because I needed the support physically.  I put a mask on to walk outside and took it off as soon as we got back in the house.  We laughed and talked incessantly.  I sung along to my favorite 80’s tunes tonight while I reheated dinner and helped my oldest son plot out his junior year high school schedule.  I am tucking my kids in tonight at home…not over a phone from a hospital room.  I may still be awake to watch Jimmy Kimmel and Friends reruns tonight, but I plan to be snoozing 4:00 a.m.  In the grand scheme of things, life is good right now.  I may never run the marathon race of working moms again as I was doing before Luke, but my family is happy knowing that I am here and we are adjusting to this new normal.  We have a new bond formed; not better or worse, but an appreciation bond for each other that is unique. I see it in the relationships my children have built with each other over the last year and the grace and closeness that Scott and I experience with each other every single day.

Post-BMT normal is okay; in fact, it’s pretty darn good.  My focus isn’t the sharpest currently, but it is macro on the most important areas of our lives:  family, faith, friends and love. 

Monday Musings / AML : On the Calendar, A Milestone (yet again).

PREFACE:  This post may come across as a little bitter or unpleasant.  It is not meant to be so.  It is simply meant to be a forthright, honest statement on what I believe in helping a person with a long-term, life-threatening (or life-taking) illness such as what I am going through.

I realize that you may get tired of hearing about my illness on occasion.  That’s okay.  Rest assured, I do also.  In fact, I truly wish it didn’t exist and I never had to know about it or had its ugly tentacles invade the lives of me and my family.  The fact of the matter is... I hate to live with it day in and day out.  And so do my husband, children, friends and loved ones.  And my friends who have had cancer invade their lives and taken loved ones?  Yep, they hate it too…and I am not one to ever say I hate something.  I detest things immensely, but I don’t like the word “hate”.  In this case, however, ”hate” is necessary.

So here’s the deal.

My leukemia diagnosis was December 12, 2012.  I’ve been living with “luke” for a year.  The leukemia I have is the worst of the worst, the ugliest of ugly and the most aggressive for recurrence.  Of course, right?  Scary tests, scary nights, nasty chemo and side effects would plague my days and nights instead of the joyous holiday celebrations I had planned for.

I came home from the first ‘induction’ phase of chemo and attack on the ‘luke’ cells on January 9, 2013.  (Reading between the lines:  I missed Christmas with my family last year as well as my baby’s 8^th birthday).  I was also terrified to be coming home with a picc line, being violently sick and having zero immune system.

On January 11, 2013, we found out that my youngest brother was a good match for a bone marrow transplant for me.  This truly was a miracle!

On January 14, 2013, my doctors were optimistic that the heavy-duty induction chemotherapy had wiped out the leukemia cells in my body. 

On January 23, 2013, I underwent another bone marrow test to be sure the chemo worked.

On January 29, 2013, I found out that my “cancer” was in remission.

Appointments and evaluations were scheduled for the impending bone marrow transplant that they were hoping to schedule in February. 

On February 11, 2013, we hit a huge ditch in the roadway to transplant.  Something was wonky in the test department and it looked as though my brother may not have been a good match.

On February 13, 2013, I was readmitted to the hospital for a week to undergo inclusion chemotherapy since the transplant would be delayed, if it could occur at all.  This lovely chemo drip affected my eyes something terrible and I couldn’t close or open them without feeling as if I was being pricked by a zillion needles directly in my eyeballs.  This chemo would once again wipe out my immune system.

February 20 – was supposed to be heading to Disney World to watch Andrew march with his school band down Main Street USA and I was to run the Princess Half Marathon with my cousin.  Not a fun reservation to cancel.

On February 25 we found out that Jeffrey’s tests were clear and he could donate his marrow!  My vision issue was clearing up and we began running back and forth (again) to the hospital to increase my platelet count.  Praises and love to anyone who has ever donated red blood cells or platelets.  I have been the recipient of many!

March 17, St. Patrick’s Day would be the first holiday I would spend at home since Thanksgiving 2012. 

Monday, March 18, I was admitted for the bone marrow transplant.  Five days of intense full-body radiation and chemotherapy to make sure “luke” wasn’t hiding out somewhere in my body.

Monday, March 25, Jeffrey donates his blood and his stem cells are extracted.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013, I receive Jeff’s bone marrow via iv procedure (some kind of dialysis thing).  I honestly don’t remember much about this day because I was so sedated.  I know my Dad and Scott were there and recall meeting my brother’s girlfriend the day before when Jeff gave his cells. 

I stopped writing events in my calendar, except that I came home post-transplant on April 11, 2013.  I was terrified.   So many things could go wrong.  I was at Day 17, post-transplant and the doctors were pleased, but there were many hurdles to cross.  More bone marrow tests to take, infections to ward off, platelet, red blood cells and magnesium levels to increase.  I would be readmitted two times for a fever and stomach issues relating to the transplant and Hickman line in my chest.

I know Day 100 was on July 4, 2013.  We were picking up Andrew from the airport after his trip to England with his previous teachers and friends.  Didn’t seem like a monumental day, and, as one of my doctors told me, as soon as you cross one milestone, the next one looms ahead before you with anticipation and fear.

My new ‘birthday” will be March 26.  Three months away.

I would venture to say I am almost as anxious today as I was when I came home from the hospital in April.  I am a bit more relaxed most days, until night and insomnia sets in.  Night is dark and that is when Satan creeps in and tries to steal the show.  It’s not pleasant.  Friends who have gone through cancer journey before me say it gets better with time, but it’s always there lurking.  I am so sad that they have had to go through a crappy walk similar to mind, but so grateful to those friends for reaching out to me to share their experiences and support.

My cancer isn’t “cured”.  It is, at best, “stayed” for now.  Quite honestly, I’m guessing that every cancer patient is uncomfortable with the word “cured”.  We are hoping mine remains “stayed” forever because I have completely new stem cells from my brother, yet the stinking leukemia mutation I have is strong and can come back.  Having traveled on this road for a year now, here’s what I want to share with those of you who are not taking this journey yourself.  Yes, you may know a loved one who has cancer or a co-worker or have seen a celebrity.  But to truly walk in these shadows is a different walk.  My perspective on life, sickness, love and a myriad of other topics is drastically different than yours.  Again, I am not intending to be offensive, but to shed some light on what you can do to support others going through a life-altering/threatening health situation:

• Do keep in touch.  A note, an e-mail, a facebook post with a quote or funny cartoon can mean the world on a crappy day to a person who is horrifically sick. 
• Do understand that I won’t always respond…fast, slow or at all.  This (lack of) response has nothing to do with you and our relationship; rather, it has to do with my focus and strength.  I am tickled pink (or orange in my case) that you have thought of me.
• Do know that your support … in any way at all…a kind word, text, prayer, etc…goes a long way in helping a person recover emotionally.
• Do care about my husband, my kids, my parents and my siblings.  They have a tough round to go through also.  That being said, DO NOT discuss my illness with my children.  Please feel free to ask them how their Mama feels, but DO NOT go into the details of leukemia or cancer with them.  They have been through enough and it still scares all of us to the bone.  They do not need to hear the ‘cancer’ word as it relates to anyone they care about.  The worst part about this disease is knowing that I may not be here for my kids and Scott.
• Do not pretend to understand you known what I’m going through or my family.  Do offer a shoulder or support or a simple head nod or prayer, but don’t say, “I know” unless you have walked down this journey yourself or with someone you have been extremely close to.
• Do talk to me like I am the same person.  Don’t shy away because you don’t know what to say.  Yes, I have male chromosomes now and my hair fell out and I lost a ton of weight from chemo, but deep down, I am the same person…same goofy sense of humor, same likes and dislikes.
• Do not try to diagnose me or tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing to heal.  My team of doctors is the best, hands down, and they are licensed to do that.  You may think you are helping, but you are not.  Each day brings different hurdles and setbacks and new experiences.  My medical team is best for handling these, not something someone read on the internet.
• Do understand that Scott and I do not research my illness on the internet and we don’t have any desire to talk about it 24/7.  We are trying to resume a ‘new normal life’ around the diagnosis without it consuming our lives.
• Do know how much I appreciate your support through your donations to foundation such as the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, or running a marathon in my honor or helping with a fundraiser.  Those acts of love mean so very much to me and I truly appreciate you putting yourself out there for our family.
• Do know that my health is improving and I will be revaccinated in the Spring.  This will, hopefully, bring more opportunities for me and my family to go out and live normally as my immunities rebuild.
• Do ask questions if you have them; don’t assume; but also don’t question me ad nauseum.  I get sick enough from the medication on any given day and there are just some details about this journey that don’t need to be shared unless you are walking through the fire.
• Do reach out to others (in any way you can) who are going through a difficult journey.  All of us are scared and unsure.
• Do donate blood and have your bone marrow tested for the registry.  You can save lives this way.  In fact, it is the best way to save lives.
• Do understand that I have “chemo brain” which, for me, means that I forget things very quickly or things don’t always register.  You may need to remind me of something a few times before I actually think to follow through.  It is getting better but it is ever present.
• Do understand that while I am not working or able to do much around the house, my days are not filled with parties.  This getting better thing is downright tough.  Some days are harder than others and when you combine sleepless nights with those days, well it’s hard to get moving.  I am enjoying my family and simple things, but I would so much rather be working (yes, I truly would) and running around for my family over this horrific disease any day.
• And this may be hard for many to digest, but ‘pre-cancerous’ is not the same as having ‘cancer’.  Pre-cancerous does not require chemotherapy and radiation and drastic changes to your body and emotional state in a way that cancer does.  I am sorry that you have cells that are pre-cancerous.  Fortunately, your bad seeds were caught before they erupted into your body.  Any cancer “survivor” will understand that it is not the same.  Physically or emotionally.  Sorry…I’m not saying it was a walk in the park for you, but I would much rather be “pre” than enjoying this waltz of mine.
• Don’t tell me you dislike my short hair or how pale and sickly I have looked.  Newsflash:  I have lost my hair 2 times during this journey.  I begged my middle school best friend to shave it in December, and Scott actually did as it was falling out in clumps; it began growing back only to have it fall out again in March with the transplant.    It is hair, for Pete’s sake.  I don’t care if it ever came back as long as I am alive!  Perspective, people! 
• Do practice patience with a cancer patient when they are tired, cranky, irritable or snippy.  Some days it's the drugs, some days it's the situation, some days it's the lack of sleep.  Unfortunately, we often have no control over that during the immediate "recovery" period of our illness.
• Don’t compare your sickness to mine.  Plain and simple. I don’t care what you have…I mean, I do care that you aren’t well, but don’t try to act like you are going through the same thing I am.  If you don’t have Acute Myelogenous Leukemia with a FLT3 mutation, then we aren’t in the same game.  It’s okay, but just keep your issues on your field and don’t compare them to mine.  I wouldn’t pretend to understand that I know what my girlfriends fighting breast cancer are going through, the pain of serious depression, the loss of a child, or understand the devastation and hard work some of my friends who have children with major illnesses are going through.  Every illness is different, and, unfortunately, some are worse than others.  I wouldn’t wish a serious life-threatening medical issue on anyone.  Just know that some of us are facing the scary scenes for real in life and sooner than we thought.  There is no glossing over that.  I have empathy, and you should also, but pretending to know what someone is going through is impossible unless you have truly walked that walk.

 

So that’s my soapbox…a year later…lots of unpleasant, but also pleasant, experiences under my belt.  Again, I am not trying to sound bitter or self-righteous.  Just laying it out there on how it feels to many of us undergoing a major life-altering situation.  Some things are not a ‘normal’ progression of life; though if I have learned anything as an adult, it’s that there truly is no ‘normal’.  Normal is simply life and we each travel through it uniquely at a different rate of speed and understanding.  The best we can do is to love, share compassion and grace, gain knowledge, have faith and put one foot in front of the other in our individual journeys. 

Monday Musings : Quack, Quack and All That Flap.

I wasn’t going to add my two cents into the hot cauldron.  Truly, I was not.

I am tired of seeing the posts – for and against – the “Duck Dynasty” interview.  Yet here I am, contributing to the issue, in a way.

Honestly, to me, it’s almost as annoying as the Miley Cyrus tongue fiasco, yet in a different way.  I feel sorry for both of them.  

Here are the disclaimers before you read any further:

I am a Christian.  A PRACTICING Christian in that I do my best to walk the walk each and every day.  Do I stumble? Certainly.  All of us do.  It is part of being a human.  I read my Bible and devotionals and do my best to live out what God sets out as his commandments.  Are they open to interpretation?  Ha…depends on who you ask…in any denomination…in the science world…just in general…some believe in literal interpretation, some believe you need to translate language from so long ago…and some, well, some use the portions that they want to apply to them and take out the parts that they don’t want to follow.  Kind of a rule/law thing:  everything is open to one’s interpretation.  The Bible, however, is not something that we, as mankind, have the executive power over.  That executive power is reserved for when we cross over in life.

I believe in forgiveness.  Giving it and receiving it.  Everyone makes a mistake.  Everyone speaks or acts before truly thinking out the consequences.  Some actions are more hurtful than others.  It is those actions that we should, as the ‘hurtee’, learn and grow from so that we don’t repeat similar behaviors.

I believe in learning and education.  Not just in the traditional “book” or “go to college” sense, but in the practical sense of informing yourself based upon life experiences, great mentors, and being informed. 

The only prejudices I have are wearing navy and black together (You look like a bruise.  My friend, Cheryl, pointed this out years ago) and against people who consistently hurt others or don’t help themselves but whine about life.  I don’t care what your skin tone, sexual orientation, sleeping habits, music choices, reading choices, whatever are…just be sure you enjoy life and get the most out of it.

I try not to judge.  I believe we should all be on the same team.  I detested middle school and the pettiness that goes on amongst girls struggling with hormones.  I detest the pitting that goes on in the stay-at-home mom v. working mom ring.  Again, not perfect here, and I know I have done my own share of picking, but honestly, I try not to and try to teach my children not to do it.  It’s just not good on so many bases.

I don't like to fall on one side of a "political" fence.  To me, it shouldn't be conservative v. liberal on every single issue.  Yet, often, that is the easiest claim for people to stake.  How about just doing the right thing, no matter who has to cross a line or jump a fence?

I love immensely.  When I was younger, I learned a song in Sunday School:

‘Jesus loves the little children.  All of the children of the world.  Red or yellow, black or white, they are precious in His sight.  Jesus loves the little children.’

I have no clue if they even teach this song any more.  I’m sure somewhere, someone could very well argue that it is a racial song.  To me, it simply means that regardless of who you or someone else thinks you are, what your abilities or inabilities are, you are more precious than gold to our Maker.

Loving immensely (to me) means to accept someone for who they are…for their loving nature and sense of humor, along with the lumps and annoyances that each and every one of us possesses.  These individual traits or cells, whatever you want to call them…they are what make each of us into the unique person that we are.  I also love many people who are different than me.  Just because you don’t love to sing along to a really good Journey or Go-Go’s song doesn’t mean you can’t be my friend…just say’n.  I don’t care who you love or why you love them…just as long as you feel and receive love, it’s all good with me.  Being happy in life?  That is love to me.

So, back to the Duck Dynasty thing…

Phil Robertson and his family (along with many others) are products of our own desire to see how others live.  We are the ones who invite them into our lives by watching “reality” television.  The “reality” of this is that we see sides of people that we don’t like and sides we don’t agree with.  We also see some good in people when the networks decide to air it. 

What was the “Facts of Life” theme song?  “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.”

I believe that is what we have here.  The fact of life is that it is okay to disagree.  There are two sides to every coin.  I’m not saying that you go deliberately out of your way to harm or trample someone for who they are.  If you don’t like something that is being said, walk away.  Turn the channel.  Don’t buy their crap.  But, keep in mind, once again, that the statements and actions you are questioning are only a small fraction of a picture.  It’s journalism and Hollywood, people…the almighty dollar is often worth more than the entire almighty truth.  And, as far as I know, Phil Robertson has not acted out against someone in some type of abusive way.  An answer to a question that was asked of him is not ‘acting out’.  It is called being honest.  Crappy honesty from him?  Perhaps.  But don’t ask a question if you don’t want an answer.

I don’t believe that a family who puts themselves out there by praying at the end of each show does not heed the commandment in the Bible of “love your neighbor as yourself”.  It is the greatest commandment next to have no other God before me.  I have no way of knowing if the entire statement of Phil was printed, recorded or taken out of context.  You have no way of knowing either, unless, of course, you were in the interview room.  More important to me, though, is that we teach those around us to ‘love our neighbor as ourselves’ and to walk in that golden rule.  That we don’t let debates over a man with a small fortunate already claim our time and relationships as we argue and debate over the internet what an imbecile he may or may not be.  And that we, too, are tolerant of those who have had different life experiences that have molded their minds.

A few months ago, it was Miley Cyrus.  Years ago, it was Britney Spears, or even Cher in her scantily clad attire as my Uncle so wisely reminded me.  You can look back through tons of websites and magazines to find other public examples of poor judgment.  A common denominator among all of them?  You have the choice to invite them in or push them out of your lives.  If you don’t like it, don’t listen to it or watch.  By talking about it excessively, we condone something that we don’t like.  Don’t give them air time.  And certainly, don’t blast your friend because they disagree with you.  It just ain’t worth it.

Admittedly, life is tricky.  Relationships are tricky.  Loving one another, especially when we don’t always love ourselves, is tricky.  Do we really need rules and opinions to muddy up the waters?   Life, ultimately, is about choices.  No one has the power to make a positive choice in your own life other than you.  You choose how to treat people and you choose what your actions are.

As for me?  I, personally, choose to accept these ‘reality’ shows for what they are:  time and energy suckers; drains on my family and creative time.  Do I watch them?  Occasionally, but 99% of the time when I do, I take it all with a grain of salt.  And not the kind I’d like to have around the rim of my margarita.

Don’t get sucked into the vortex of a statement of an ignorant man.  Go do better yourself.  That is what I intend to do and that is the lesson I will teach my children from this mess.  It is more important to show the world that there is kindness and acceptance by your personal actions and words than to keep feeding off the media and blasting someone.  Kill them with kindness.  Remember, you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar or salt. 

I believe Phil Robertson “stumbled” in his walk of faith.  Maybe intentionally…maybe not.  I don’t know.  It could be that this will cause him to reevaluate and change his opinion.  Or maybe, he’s just a product of a generation and environment, and we should just accept him and move on.  I don’t have an answer and neither do you, really.  As I said previously, it’s not my place to judge and pass that judgment.  My place, in this world, is to leave it a better place than it was when I arrived…in any small way I can. 

Again, just my two cents, which I probably should not have thrown out there.

THROWBACK THURSDAY : One Year Ago - 12/12/12

Warning:  You may want some tissues.  Or maybe not.  This is still a very emotional topic for me so I travel with tissues at any given moment of any given day or night.

Not your ordinary light and airy, fun-filled memory Throwback Thursday for this girl.

Rather, it is an anxiety-filled, cannot sleep at 12:30 a.m. remembrance of a day and swirling events.

One year ago today, this would be the last photo I would take at home on my good camera.

 12 days into the most amazing time of the year for me.

Deep into the spirit of the season and creating the magic for our family.

 The photos that would follow for the next month or so, would be the ones taken on my phone as I lay in the hospital bed of iv's and nurses' names to document so I could share the experience later.

Telling and interesting, isn't it, that the last photo on my camera, taken hours before I would go into the hospital, was of a praying elf, in front of a nativity tree, reading the "Good  News" story in the book of Luke from our children's Bible.

It was about the time I am writing this, one year ago, somewhere just before 1:00 a.m. that the emergency room doctors would begin to suspect that there was something seriously wrong with my blood.

In the early morning hours that Scott and waited anxiously for blood tests to come back, we prayed, we waited and I simply appealed to my facebook family and friends for prayers.  Honestly, we had no clue how much those prayers would be needed or how much they would have an impact on my upcoming journey.

It was also about this time that the doctors were pretty certain I would not be home for Christmas with my family.  Though at this time last year, we did not know the full extent to the length of time I would be away, I knew I didn’t want to miss a single day with my family. 

Here’s what I now know for certain, after a year of:

• The unexpected.
• The unknown.
• The unsettled.

 Cancer, in any form, is just ugly…for the patient, for the medical staff caring for the patient, and most especially (in my opinion) for the way it tears into the patient’s loved ones.  No person should ever have to see their loved one fighting for their life in this way.  It’s unfair…yes, I know life isn’t fair (obviously), but cancer, to me, is clearly one of the ugliest forms of the devil.  period.  I don’t think I really cried so much for myself or out of great fear when I was in the hospital, but more so for my family and friends, for Scott and our kids who were scared and missing me and not knowing when or if I would be home to hold them.

 Love is truly unconditional and it is hard to understand just how important those who love you beyond measure become to you in your greatest hours of need.  The fact that a year later, you can still have the unconditional love and support of so many who still remember when this life-altering event occurred in your life, not theirs, well it’s just plain overwhelming.

Anxiety over your health, your diagnosis, your ‘life expectancy’…does not so easily go away.  In fact, I don’t look for it to ever fully leave me.  I anticipate many sleepless nights for as long as I am on this earth as my mind starts to wander in the dark of the night.  There isn’t much one can say or do to alleviate those fears.  “Remission” is a great word.  “Successful transplant, 100%” is fabulous.  But remission and 100% grafting does not necessarily mean it won’t rear its ugly head when you least expect it.  After all, I wasn’t expecting or welcoming this visitor the first time around.

Peace and comfort are often found in the twinkle of my husband’s eyes, his arms snug around me, a little person’s hand clutched tightly around my next and their sweet blessings of faith and love as we tuck each other in each night before bed at home…a place I didn’t spend many nights last year this time and a place I longed for so badly. 

Supporting warriors can be found far and wide if you just try to live your life with a little bit of decency toward those you come into contact with.  Truly, I never would have thought I would have so many friends, co-workers, church family, neighbors and friends of friends in the thick of this war with me.  Kind words, prayers, gentle thoughts and hand holding have gone far in helping me get to where I am today.  Again, I reiterate…love beyond measure without question or expectation.

Prayer works.  Although oftentimes it is easy to question the answers to our prayers, my late night and constant ramblings with Our God certainly brought a calm to me.  In fact, as I type this entry, one of my favorite MercyMe songs is playing in the background, “Bring the Rain”.  These lyrics could not be any more on target for me:

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Coincidence?  Truly, ah, NO.

 I loved this song before I became sick a year ago, but now it is truly an anthem for me..

 

My faith, while strong before December 12, 2012, became rock solid as God walked with me through these trials. 

Every moment is an opportunity to live, express gratitude and to love beyond measure.  Clearly, we don’t know what the next minute holds.  Grudges, irritations and meanness have no place in my life anymore.  There are many things I just can no longer tolerate and most of them stem from a lack of appreciation for life and the people you surround yourself with.  It’s a shift in perspective that you gain when you have nothing to focus on but getting stronger and making it back home.

The memories of what I’ve been through don’t fade away, even with the ever-present “chemo brain”.  Details may be blurry, such as those many texts that friends and family received late at night that made no sense (and, yes, some received garbled, high-as-a-kite phone calls), but realizing that hair, weight, crappy eyelashes and tangible items are not important when you are struggling to make it ten minutes without getting sick or feeling a toxic war raging in your body…those memories kind of stick with you…just as much as the memories of family and friends holding your hand, sending you positive thoughts or holding your hair (when you had it) as you get horrifically sick stay with you.  Are they memories I expected to have of my own at the age of 44?  Absolutely not.  Are they memories I want my parents, husband, children, brothers, extended family and close friends to have?  Hell, no.  But, they are the memories that have made it possible for me to be home now and to trust in God and my medical team that home is where I will stay.

And that this

Is the image I will see on this Christmas Day.  An image I will burn into my memory to dull the memory of last Christmas Day, a day I barely knew what was going on and a day I missed on celebrating the birth of my God with my family and seeing the excitement in their eyes.  I may not sleep the nights between now and then, but I will be resting in my own bed, with a different kind of anxiety than the one I had last year, but the peace of knowing I am surrounded by my loved ones in a familiar place, and, above all, I will be home for Christmas.  That my friends, is a peace that transcends everything earthly right now and every effort I have made into making this Christmas most special for my family.

God Rest Ye, Merry Gentleman (and Ladies)…let your little troubles fade away.  Enjoy the Spirit that will descend upon us this holiday season and keep it close to your heart the entire year through.  Yes, I sound like a broken record (cd to younger people), but I think I have earned the right to burn this into everyone’s memory banks for a bit longer.

Monday Musings / Letter to Ms. Butkiewicz: On Diagramming & More

 

(my 6th grade school photo)

 

I really do not know that anything has ever been more exciting than diagramming sentences.

— Gertrude Stein    

Ms. Butkiewicz was my 6^th grade language arts teacher.  She was tall and thin, a snappy dresser, with long blonde hair that she frequently weaved into a French braid and she knew her grammar and vocabulary.

To say I loved her would be an understatement.  Really, I loved most of my teachers, but Ms. B. was the teacher who understood my love of words and helped foster my understanding of how to write well.  Mrs. Ebersole (high school English and Creative Writing teacher) would later help hone my creative writing ability, but that’s another letter for another day, complete with writing journal entries!

Ms. Butkiewicz played Neil Diamond cassette tapes every day during our writing time.  While I still cannot stand “September Morn” and have a strong distaste for “Love on the Rocks”, I associate his songs to learning to write compositions well (in today’s world they are called BCR’s – brief constructed responses).  For those who know our family, obviously we have a sweet spot for “Sweet Caroline” since we have a Caroline of our own.  Our Caroline, however, cringes when she hears the song being played or someone singing it to her.  Scott vows that this will be the song he and Caroline dance to on her wedding day.  She now vows to never marry.

Ms. B. also chose to teach spelling and vocabulary by challenging us with a spelling bee on a regular basis.  The coolest thing about her spelling bee was the prize for the winner:  a full-size candy bar that was placed on the ledge of the chalkboard.  Whoa-doggie!  I could always get into that.  I longed for that candy bar each week.  It was the chalice of all quests for me.  I wanted it so much that my Dad and I would study my vocabulary words each night while doing the dinner dishes.  In fact, I would have him quiz me on weeks beyond the normal study week list so that I could have the edge over everyone else.  I won the candy bar more weeks than I can remember.  A little chocolate goes a long way with this girl. 

I also recall reading a dictionary or thesaurus one year during summer break.  I have always found that there was something magical about words.  You never have to use big ones to impress me; just use the words well and in the appropriate context.  Seriously, I implore you.  Often, words that aren't so big and easy to understand or place in context give your reader a better understanding of what you (as a writer or speaker) are trying to convey.  It just isn't fun to have to grab a dictionary or google a word to understand someone's point.  Again, not to say I don't like "big" and "impressive" words, they have their place...in educational materials.  ha ha

I have been the person known to correct improper language usage among my family and friends.  My son, Benjamin, has become his Mama.  “Can you get …, Ben?”  His response, “I don’t know, can I?”  Ah, what a joy.  I can now see where I was a bit obnoxious in this regard as a child.

Correct spelling, vocabulary and use of the English language, in my opinion, go back to sentence diagramming.  My favorite part of middle school curriculum.  Hands down – period.  I believe that diagramming sentences actually helped me understand the proper placement of words and what they did (or didn’t do).  Diagramming sentences shows how parts of a sentence are related.  It teaches grammar and once the essentials are understood, it is like completing a puzzle.  I am a little odd; this is I already know.  I don’t get numbers at all and cringe at the thought of a Sudoku puzzle.  But, oh for the love of words!  Diagramming sentences was not always the easiest lesson I learned, but once I got the hang of it, it truly made sense of the English language to me.  This is not to say that there isn’t a place in the world of writing for ‘stream of consciousness’ writing.  I do this regularly and there are many examples of this in my blog – throwing caution to the wind with improper punctuation and sentences that begin with “and” or “because”.  I know the rules and I [mostly] abide by them.  Occasionally, however, to emphasis a point, I use a ‘stream of consciousness’ approach because it can be more easily read to get across the message.

Words are my love language.  It is a way to document, but more importantly, a way to express emotion.  Remember Schoolhouse Rock’s line?  “Interjection:  for excitement and emotion!” 

 

Conjunction Junction and so many other learning tools courtesy of Schoolhouse Rock, The Electric Company and awesome teachers gave this shy, creative girl a way to express herself on paper.

To Ms. Butkiewicz, Ms. Ebersole, my Mom and Dad (for home writing lessons) and the many additional Language Arts teachers throughout my years of education – of which there were 14 – I went to an administrative business school, never a 2 or 4-year college – thank you for reinforcing my love of words and writing and giving me the tools I needed to do it well.  Thanks to the many friends and family who had to read my short stories and poems through the years and the close friends (Missy B. and Catherine) who would write or illustrate along with me. 

I may never be Judy Blume or Laura Ingalls Wilder, as I had hoped to be when I was younger, but I enjoy the craft and that is really all that matters.

Monday Musings / The Month of Gratitude & Giving

As an active participant of the facebook community (and, yes, I love this lifeline to many old friends), I note that we are in Thankful November.  The month where people are encouraged to list out daily something they are thankful for in their lives. (And, yes, I am participating again this year and have for several years.)  I welcome the "broadcast" and "out loud" journaling as a way for me to document those things that mean so much and certainly to "call out" the many wonderful people in my life.  Though, frequently, I find myself

...wondering why it takes a turn of the calendar, the leaves falling and crisp morning air to hear about our gratitude toward people and, sometimes, places or things...if we don't express our gratitude and appreciation on a daily basis, exactly what are we doing?

Expressing gratitude and appreciation are easy acts, really.  A smile.  A hug.  A warm word even via e-mail, text or facebook post.  A card or handwritten note?  Yep, even more amazing.  I'll admit it.  I don't do it as often as I should.  Hallmark has gotten expensive to send and, well, right now, a trip to the Target stationery aisle just isn't happening.  I always have great intentions of creating and sending cards for birthday greetings, anniversary greetings and appreciation, but I admittedly fall short on many occasions.  Everyone is  busy and written notes and cards are one of the first to fall by the wayside.  I get it.  How awesome is it, though, when you receive an envelope in your mail that does not contain a bill.  I believe it is important to vocalize our appreciation for those in our lives.  Gratitude is an extension of love and all of us want to be loved.

Mother Teresa is known worldwide for so much faith and wisdom, but my favorites are:

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier."

and

"Intense love does not measure, it just gives.  It's not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving."

Truly, all of us should do our best to live these words each and every day.  Small measures, large measures, no matter -- as long as we express our heartfelt gratitude and love.  Each of us has something to bring to the table of life.  If there is one thing I have definitely learned this past year, you can never have enough good people in your life and you can never appreciate them enough.  Go and love and appreciate someone today because you may not get the chance to do so tomorrow.

Monday Musings / AML / Foresight of 6 Words

                On April 3, 2008 I posted a challenge that my friend had found to describe your life in six words based on the book, “Not Quite What I Was Planning:  Six-Word Memoirs”, by Rachel Fershleiser.  You can read the original post here (it's near the end of a lengthy post). 

                I looked back on that post this past weekend when I was searching for a photo and date on my blog and couldn’t help but be acutely aware of the foresight and relevance to the past year on the six words I chose a few years ago.

                 Blessed. Laughed. Loved. Stumbled. Triumphed. Lived.

 Blessed.  Beyond measure.  To borrow words from a Casting Crowns’ song, I have learned to ‘praise Him in this storm’, i.e. find the unexpected blessings that come from having a life-threatening disease.  I knew I was blessed before:  a loving family, amazing friends, strong faith, great job with great co-workers, etc., but the blessings these days are overwhelming at times.

 Laughed.  (Check)  Often.  Even in the face of this horrible disease, I have found that laughter is good for the soul and everyone around you!  A smile is the beginning of laughter and both are contagious.  It is always good to be able to laugh at yourself also.

 Loved.  Again, beyond measure.  I have loved many and have been loved by many, including those who don’t know me…medical staff, nurses and doctors who have cared for me, friends of friends and church families whom I haven’t met.  LOVE.  It’s a verb.  An action.  And definitely something worth giving as much as receiving.

 Stumbled.  Over many “things” in life, but this definitely applies to December 2012 through now.  Stumbled through a leukemia diagnosis; stumbled with the only ‘cure’ being a bone marrow transplant; stumbled waiting for positive results and certainly am still stumbling throughout the recovery period.

 Triumphed.  I have triumphed over several losses and adversities in my life.  Saying goodbye to my grandparents was extremely difficult, but I learned to find them sending messages down from Heaven.  I am very hopeful that I will be able to say that I have ‘triumphed’ over acute myeloid leukemia in a few more years, but we are a bit away from that.  Nonetheless, I have triumphed over the diagnosis and bone marrow transplant.

 Lived.  Another verb.  It’s not just about going through the motions and your business day-to-day.  It is about living the width and breadth and depth of your days.  Scott and I have always said that we likely will not retire wealthy or travel to exotic places, but we know in our unknown and limited days here on Earth together, we have loved and lived.

*As I mentioned on Facebook previously, did you ever notice that the only difference between LIVE and LOVE is a single vowel?  I find that interesting because I don’t think you can have one without the other.

If I could add another word (and I can since this is just a blog), I would add

BELIEVED.  I believed (and still do) that God would carry me and my family through this.  I believe in magic and pixie dust.  I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe in friendships and love.  I believe in happy ever afters.  I believe you create your own happiness.  And I believe everything happens in its own time for its own purpose and reason. 

Six [or seven] little words to describe your life.  The words may change at various stages in your life.  Sentence or fragment.  Kind of a personal mission statement to reflect upon.  What are your words?  What is your life?